He goes, “Fifteen years.” And I go, “You’ve never been?” And he goes, “Uh-uh.” Now I’m starting to look at him like, “Hey, man, do you drive to work or… does somebody drop you off?” You know what I mean? I think he… And also not how that question works, but all right.” And now I reach back, and now he goes, “Yeah, my sister lives there,” and I’m like… “How long has she lived there?” Now I’m roped in. That’s what I’m doing.” I go, “That’s the craziest shit I’ve ever heard anybody say.
Thanks.” And then I reach back… and he goes, “I’m going to Virginia next week.” “Are you telling me that?” He goes, “You said, ‘How you doing?’ when you got here. And, as I reach for that door, I hear, uh, “You going to the bank?” I go, “Is this still a bank?” He goes, “Yeah.” I go, “I’d like to.” And he goes, “Go for it.” And I was like… “Okay. We made eye contact, and I go, “How you doing?” And he went… And I was like, “Okay, so…” Then I get to the second set of doors to walk in. But during the day… …out of human decency, I acknowledge you. For me, if we make eye contact… During the day. Where you walk in, and you’re like, “Do you work here?” And he’s like, “I think so.” That guy. Whatever they call that guy that stands in the lobby… of banks now. I was like, “I’m gonna remember you for the rest of my life, man.” He– I met him at the bank. And I think you did it.” This guy’s name is Craig. You ever meet somebody, and they’re so boring, you feel like they poisoned you? Like… you’re talking to them, and you’re like, “I feel like I’m dying right now. I’ve tried it, but it’s got to… As they’re passing, you know. That’s what that is.” As they walk by, you can get in one accidental hit. ♪ Shit, piss, motherfucker Cunt, my balls ♪Īnd the kid’ll be like… “What’s that?” I’d be like, “Go tell your mom.
Around them, and then you fantasize about them repeating it at home and getting in trouble, and that’s very satisfying, all right? But, you know, you gotta put rhythm to it, or they won’t remember, ’cause they’re just dumb fucking kids.
Everybody’s gathered around, right? You can’t do that. That’s mine.” And I go, “I’ll kick your chest through your back.” And he goes, “What?” And I go, “I’ll stomp you out right now!” So he’s crying. And, as he walks up to it, he steps on it, and an older kid… Meaning four. And he walks into the park, and he walks up to a playground set. This is what… I took my older son to a park. I’m not even proud of some of the things I’ve done, all right? Last year was the first time I ever had somebody bully one of my kids. Yeah.ĭude, having kids makes you do crazy shit. That’s my favorite shit, man.” And… you know who you are. Um… I think it sets up the audience into two camps, you know? People who are like, “Don’t do the yelp.” “It makes it real.” Then other people who are like, “Do the yelp. Maybe learn to stand up for yourself so I don’t have to do shit like that, all right?” I’d be like, “Remember when that hurt you? I killed it.” He’d be like, “What the fuck… am I supposed to do with this dead dog?” And I’d go, “I don’t know. If that dog were to hurt one of my kids, immediately and without question… I would drown that dog, right? And I mean, through yelps like… I’d go… Like that. But here is the difference between my love for that dog and my kids. I totally know what you’re feeling because… I love my dog.” And I’m like, “Yeah.” No. Like, to hang out with a friend who doesn’t have any kids, and he’s like, “Yeah, man, I see that you love your kids. And, like, now I’m on that side of it, so I get to be amused by people who don’t have kids who swear that they get it. “That’s good, Tom.” So… It is beyond your capacity to explain how much you end up loving your kids. Well, it’s a different love, you know? Like, I don’t want to fuck the kids. She’s like… “I’m all alone at the house.” And I was like… “I’m all alone out here.” You know? No, I’m not. I just did it backstage on the phone, like five minutes ago. I leave, and she’s like… “It’s gonna be hard when you’re gone.” And then I have to do, like, an acting exercise, and I’m like… “It’s gonna be hard for me, too.” You know? It’s not hard. When I do the road, I leave a wife and two small kids, and, uh, she’s… she’s pretty attached, you know.